Personal Blog – You Don’t Know Me, Stop Telling Me Who/What/How I Should Be

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It is so frustrating when no matter how understanding you are, or try to be, to other people and their points of view those same other people seem incapable of extending the same courtesy to you.

It’s the sheer hypocrisy of their attitudes that really sticks in my craw. These people chime on and on about how open-minded they are, real “salt of the earth” people, “give everyone a fair shake” kind of people, and they go on and on about how they never make snap judgments about anyone, ever. Yet, at the first sign of conflict or disagreement they immediately turn into all of these things they claim they are not, and could never be.

When you don’t like what someone has done, what happened to all of that patience and understanding you say you have? Did it experience a system-wide error? Do you need to re-install your human compassion sub-routine?

I’ve come to realize that far too many people in my life that say we are “close”, and say that they “love” me only truly do so when I am of use. Once my usefulness ends, or I become any sort of inconvenience, I become expendable. Or cannon fodder.

One moment you are irreplaceable, you can do it all, get it done, and are golden; however, there comes that moment where you dare to stumble and then you find yourself the cause of every problem that ever was or ever could be.

That’s how the world works though, isn’t it? You’re always walking that tight rope of being exceptional or being a calamity on legs. It’s all about the perception of those around you.

I’ve been told I should be able to do things because this person or that person can do them, and while it is fantastic that they can do those things, no one has any idea of the thousands of crises I deal with on a DAILY basis. All of which somehow manage to be life and death because of the fact that I deal with “adults” in my home life that have no idea how to function on even the most basic of levels.

I’ll be honest, I have crippling depression. There are days when I can’t even drag myself out of my bed, and if I do manage to it’s only as far as my couch, where I lie down and disassociate from reality. I don’t check my own mail, because I have agoraphobia so bad even walking out into my entryway is cause for full-on panic/anxiety attacks. I have extreme PTSD, that causes me to have terrifying nightmares whenever I sleep. This causes me to not sleep well, to have frequent bouts of insomnia, to have night terrors, to panic when I hear a knock at my door, to avoid answering my phone, and so much more.

I can’t relax around people because every single person that has ever been in my (real/offline) life, no exceptions, has either abused me physically, sexually, mentally, ripped me off, treated me like garbage, used me. Even my own mother and family members are not excluded from the list of people that have contributed to my distrust of everyone.

I guess this whole thing is just me being sick and tired of being ragged on and practically bullied by people that say they care about me, and are my friends. Don’t lecture me about what I do, how I act, or who I am when you literally know jack squat about my life, my history, or how I live day to day. I don’t presume to do that to ANY of my friends, the LEAST they can do is not do it to me. It may come down to me having to make a choice as to whom is really worth keeping as a friend. Those that enrich and support me will stay, those that make me feel in any way less-than will be removed. I will not continue to suffer anyone’s negativity, I don’t deserve it. I didn’t ask for it, and I will put an end to it.

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