Earth’s Last Hope (Comedy Blog)

“The Vaudevillian Mis-Adventures of WoahLock™”© is a series of short , comedic stories written by me. None of the events in the stories are real, none of the people in the stories are real, none of the scenarios involving carnage or maiming are real. These are merely a new way for me to convey my moods without coming out and saying “I feel  _____” every single time.
This means the stories flow, tone, structure, and so forth may change dramatically which each story.
Thank you for taking time out of your busy lives to read my little stories. I am not a professional writer, so please excuse spelling and/or grammatical errors. And remember, these are just for fun and to express myself in a constructive way.

Stock Image: No Copyrights Infringed

The Vaudevillian Mis-Adventures of WoahLock™
“Earth’s Last Hope”

I remember the day vividly, I was sitting down ready to binge on some Netflix when I heard the loud metallic whirring of the alien space craft landing on my front lawn.
This can’t be good. I remember thinking to myself, and boy was I right.
Watching from my window I could see an opening begin to form on what I could only assume was the front of the space craft, and a ramp slowly lowered itself toward the ground.

At the top of the ramp stood two strange beings, I don’t think my words could even begin to do justice to describing them.
They were humanoid, that much I can say with some confidence. They had arms, legs, faces, and they seemed to be carrying something that looked a bit like… pamphlets.
The two un-earthly beings saw me watching them through my window, and began to walk towards my front door. I remember thinking, Holy crap! Earth’s first encounter with an alien race will be initiated… by me!

As the pair neared my door, I noticed they had strange smiles plastered on their faces. The sort of smiles you see on mannequins, or Kardashians. It sent a shiver up my spine.
The odd pair of life-forms continued closer to my door, I frantically searched my brain for the right words to greet them with and came up with nothing. Everything I could think of sounded like something from a cheesy sci-fi movie where the Earth wound up destroyed due to some miscommunication. I figured it best to avoid those lines, if not for the sake of the world then for the sake of me not sounding like a complete asshat.

While I was clearly lost in my own thoughts of “Welcome to Earth” and “We mean you no harm” the pair had reached my front door without me even noticing. They rang my door bell… oh my god, they rang my door bell?!
I timidly opened the door and peered out at the alien figures standing before me… “H-h-hello?” I stuttered.
They spoke in unison, “Greetings and salutations good human! Glorious day, is it not?” I stared at them in stunned silence, they seemed oblivious to my discomfiture and continued on, “We have come to converse with you today about our great Lord and Savior: Breknar, Light of the Universe and Father of 7 Galaxies!” The being on the right then extended his arm to hand me a pamphlet.

All of my thoughts on the wonders of the universe came to a screeching halt. These travelers had come here to pester me about their space-god and give me a pamphlet?! Oh that tears it! I thought to myself.
I proceeded to throw the visitors off of my lawn, my use of profanities and bird-like screeching sent them scrambling back to their ship. Once inside they promptly took off, back into space I assume.

It was many weeks later that I heard about the armed resistance forming to stop these pamphlet-tossing invaders from destroying the Earth’s peace and quiet, and interrupting our stream binge watching. I, of course. signed up immediately.
After a grueling 6 weeks of boot camp, physical fitness training, weapons training, simulated flight training, and mandatory origami paper folding classes… I was finally ready to be a soldier for Earth’s Homeworld Defense Strikeforce.

In the years of fighting that followed, I killed many of our alien invaders. I helped to disable their bases, mother ships, and sabotage their pamphlet printing facilities. I was a cut throat soldier. I went where the Top Brass sent me, asked no questions, and followed orders to the letter. I was ruthless. The perfect killing machine in every way.

Now, I am home. The war is over. I find myself sitting in front of my television where this all began. “Finally” I whisper to myself, “I can watch ‘The Gilmore Girls‘ in peace.”

Story Concept created and written by: Autumn “WoahLock™” J. H. © 2017

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